Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

In June 2010 S and I arrived in The Netherlands with the notion of finally ‘settling down’. Yes, it was time to get ‘proper’ jobs. To buy an apartment, maybe have kids and all that malarkey. What could possibly go wrong?

——

Those first few years in Amsterdam were a blast! I loved the city, had the job of my dreams and S and I were making good money. As a result, we soon began searching for an apartment to buy.

Meanwhile, in January 2011, a bunch of my old schoolmates flew over from London for my good friend Adam’s stag weekend. He was finally getting married and it was up to me to make sure he saw the best (and worst) of Amsterdam.

“How was Cameron Diaz?” enquired my old friend Palmer as we exchanged hugs in Rembrandt Square’s Old Bell Pub. “Delightful!” I grinned, “she complimented me on my shoes”.

It was a fantastic weekend, the last time we were all together in one place. And we certainly made it count, devouring plate after plate of delicious Indian food at (the now permanently closed) Tagore Restaurant. Naturally we also hit the city bars and did the fun albeit touristy Heineken Experience at Amsterdam’s historic brewery.

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

I’d hardly got all the beer out of my system when it was time to go back to so-called work for interviews with the cast of The Impossible. The film was great, a surprisingly affecting dramatisation of the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami.

I’d expected stunning visual effects and ferocious carnage, but felt more impressed by several genuinely moving scenes and Naomi Watts’ excellent, Oscar-nominated performance. Furthermore, the movie marked the beginning of big things for Tom Holland, who later went on to play Spider-Man.

I had to do some serious homework on Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona, who I’d admittedly never heard of. It was Bayona’s first Hollywood film following his Spanish language debut The Orphanage, a chilling horror that went down a storm at The Cannes Film Festival.

Happily, Bayona came across as a lovely guy. Thoughtful, humble and softly spoken, he greeted me with a pat on the shoulder before inviting me to sit down. It was as if I’d just wandered into his living room. This was one of those interviews that felt more like an informal chat than anything official.

J.A. Bayona.

We discussed a number of topics, including the delicacies of working with child actors and his feeling of great responsibility to bring such a tragic, real life disaster to the big screen.

When the junket rep eventually began to motion that I was running out of time, Bayona requested that she give us an extra five minutes. Just so we didn’t feel rushed. “It was nice to meet you” he said, as we parted ways. “This is such a great city, don’t take it for granted!”

Instinctively, I felt Bayona was destined for great things. And so it proved. Four years after our Amsterdam meeting, his critically acclaimed fantasy drama A Monster Calls hit cinemas starring Liam Neeson and Sigourney Weaver. Good enough, apparently, for him to be entrusted with the Jurassic Park reigns for a new instalment, Fallen Kingdom.

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

Looking back, it was an exciting time for me too. After a short and reasonably painless search, S and I bought a three-bedroom apartment in Amsterdam’s up-and-coming Bos en Lommer neighbourhood. The area was a little rough and ready, particularly the ghetto-like network of social housing that dominated the view from our living room window. 

Our building was a brand new structure called The New Kit, located right next to a subway and tram stop. This was the first home either of us had owned and the next logical step in our marriage. “It’ll be kids next!” said absolutely everyone. I figured they were probably right.

Not that we’d even begun thinking about starting a family. Both S and I were snowed under at work and all our free time went on transforming our shell of an apartment into the home of our dreams. There were walls to paint, floorboards to lay and an open-plan kitchen to install.

Elsewhere, our designated bathroom was empty, not even a damn sink. And of course we were looking to furnish the entire apartment from scratch. Each day I scuttled between the office and home. To let in decorators, sign papers and check up on handymen. For the first time in my life I felt like… deep breath… a legitimate adult. 

Homemaking in Amsterdam.

I recall one particularly hectic day when I had to leave a busy writing and recording schedule at the office for interviews with director Destin Daniel Cretton and the actress Brie Larson. The movie in question was an independent drama called Short Term 12.

Nobody had heard of Cretton and it would be another two years before Larson shot to fame with an Academy Award for Room. As such, my careerist colleagues saw it as a lowly interview not worthy of their time and the junket ended up in my lap.

It turned out to be another wonderful experience. Although largely ignored by the movie watching public, Short Term 12 is a powerful and often disturbing account of life at a mental health facility for troubled teenagers. Cretton meanwhile, shy, bookish and almost painfully polite, told me how he’d written the script based on his own experiences working with suicidal youths.

Larson revealed how she’d auditioned for her part over Skype after reading the screenplay. And her costar John Gallagher described Cretton’s story as “probably the best script I’ve ever been sent!” Both Cretton and Larson seemed proud but humble about the finished product. Moreover, the critics agreed, with Short Term 12 receiving acclaim and winning a bunch of awards.

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

As soon as I got the flash disk copy of my interviews, I caught a tram back home. Jumping off outside my apartment, I was just in time to meet the giant Ikea van and its endless parade of brown boxes.

The delivery included an army of towering storage units for my ever-growing media empire. I got started on it that afternoon, though it took almost three days to assemble everything. Then I had to file our music and film collection as per my specifications. That’s alphabetical order in case you’re wondering. I know…

I can’t exactly call myself a fan of the American Pie franchise. But like most people I consider the original a bit of a classic. For me American Pie Reunion was a solid (if not spectacular) instalment, especially when compared to the other sequels and those regretful Band Camp spinoffs that tarred the reputation of the series. 

When I entered the room Tara was excitedly telling Thomas about an Amsterdam restaurant she’d been to some years before. “Amazing food… candlelit tables… great service… it’s perfect… you’re gonna love it!”

I’d been so curious to meet Tara. As someone who wrote celebrity news for a living, I knew all about the stories surrounding her private life. Hell, I’d even written a few myself. However, on the day of our interview she was in great spirits. Indeed she laughed and joked with Thomas and I as we discussed the Dawson’s Creek like nature of their characters’ topsy turvy relationship.

Thomas Ian Nicholas & Tara Reid.

Dressed in a red and pink figure-hugging sleeveless dress, Tara looked great. Albeit so heavily made up that her face appeared to be melting a little under the lights.

Reminiscing over the runaway success of the original movie, she told me how back in the day she received thousands of letters from teenage girls identifying with her character Vicky. Many of these fans, who perfectly understood the social pressures surrounding sex and losing one’s virginity, simply wanted to thank her for an empathetic performance.

Thomas was one of the friendliest actors I’ve ever interviewed, a genuinely lovely guy. Discussing Kevin’s role in the three films, I suggested that he was almost certainly “the sensible one”. The grounded thinker who never really got into those ridiculous scrapes.

Bearing in mind these were the scenes that made American Pie so memorable, did he perhaps feel a little left out? “No man…” he replied, leaning in. For just a moment his eyes actually began to tear up. “I always thought of Kevin as that ‘heart’ you know. Thank you for recognising his grounding force!”

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

In contrast, my interview with Seann William Scott and Eddie Kaye Thomas was chaotic. “What’s with the toilets in Amsterdam?” quipped Eddie, raised eyebrows, eyes diluted. “Like you have to drop your load onto a shelf… WITHOUT water. You can’t help but take a look and be like… ok, that’s what I’m made of!”

Talk of Amsterdam lavatories morphed nicely into American Pie’s ever-increasing levels of toilet humour. Was American Pie Reunion perhaps trying to push the boat out to see just how much they could get away with?

“I don’t think we were ever DISGUSTING”, claimed Seann. “I mean… well… except maybe the doggy doo scene in American Pie 2”. “Ah yes, the doggy doo scene” muttered Eddie, head in is hands. “Yeah, that was gross”. 

I was back in the lounge waiting for my interview with the directors when nature called. Unzipping at the urinal, suddenly Seann William Scott waltzed in and took the free cubicle next to me. “Hey!” he said. “Oh hey!” I answered, a little surprised that there wasn’t a private, gold-plated toilet somewhere just for the stars.

“Dude, did you really like the first American Pie?”

“Sure!” I confirmed, somewhat taken aback that he had chosen this moment to ask such a question. “But you know… my favourite movie you’ve done has gotta be Road Trip!” “Duuude!” he exclaimed, still urinating, “that was a great movie!” Standing there, pissing with Stifler, was another one of those surreal this is my job moments that I’ll always remember.

My chat with the directors was the least dynamic interview of the day. Whatever I asked, it was clear they’d already decided on a set of scripted, readymade answers. Nevertheless, it struck me that Hayden Schlossberg and Jon Hurwitz had approached the movie with a genuine love for the franchise. And that they’d been determined to restore American Pie’s battered reputation. 

Describing themselves as “American Pie fanboys” long before they’d even made their debuts as directors, Schlossberg admitted that getting the gig had felt like winning the lottery.

Subsequently, in those first few days of filming, they still had to pinch themselves that it was really happening. “We’d be rehearsing,” said Jon with a wide grin. “And I’d literally be thinking OH MY GOD I just told Stifler where to stand!” 

Pissing With Stifler, a short story from The Netherlands.

That night I hit the red carpet for American Reunion’s Amsterdam premiere. A bunch of national celebrities were attending, which meant I had to do some interviews in Dutch. This was nerve-wracking, but I did my best with the bland soap opera star and the god-awful pop group called Djumbo. 

After that it was round two with the American Pie stars. “Hey, I haven’t seen you in like four hours!” laughed Seann. When I asked him about his feelings for Amsterdam, he claimed that the charm of the place wasn’t strictly about pretty girls or available weed. Rather, for him the big draw was the city’s underrated coffee scene.

“Nobody talks about the coffee!” he lamented. “Good coffee city dude!” 

I was on the tram back home that night, my voice a little hoarse from the day’s exertions. I’d been thinking back to the time when I first saw the original American Pie film as a twenty one year old. I couldn’t help but reflect on what an innocent time of my life that had been. And how, in the intervening thirteen years, I’d been through so much that I barely felt like the same person. 

It also gave me pause for thought about how well my new life in Amsterdam had turned out, personally and professionally But unfortunately I had no idea that a huge crisis lay in wait just around the corner. Yup, things were about to get very messy. 

‘Pissing With Stifler’ is the third chapter of my short story collection Notes From The Netherlands.

I’ve been living, working and traveling all over the world since 2001. So why not check out my huge library of travel reports from over 40 countries.

Check out Leighton Travels on Instagram!